Preventing gender-based violence starts long before the violence occurs

The recent attempt for femicide in Cyprus has brought the discussion of gender-based violence back to the forefront. Every such incident provokes sadness, anger and legitimate questions. However, when public debate is limited to the days following a tragedy, we miss the opportunity to address what can really make a difference: prevention.

Violence does not appear suddenly. In most cases, it is preceded by a gradual process, which can begin with behaviors that are often underestimated or even normalized. Excessive control is presented as interest, jealousy as a sign of love, isolation as protection, underestimation as a “quirk”. When these behaviors are accepted or justified, an environment is created that allows violence to develop and escalate.

Effectively addressing gender-based violence does not begin when the violence has already been committed, nor is it limited to courtrooms. It starts much earlier, in the way we learn to relate.

We are not born knowing how to create healthy relationships. We learn it. We learn how to express our anger, how to manage frustration, how to listen to others, how to respect their boundaries, how to withstand rejection without resorting to control or imposition. When these skills are not cultivated, dysfunctional relationship patterns are more likely to develop, which in some cases can develop into abusive behaviors.

Prevention does not begin when violence occurs. It begins with relationship education. It is about developing emotional intelligence, empathy, responsibility, and mutual respect. It is about parents helping their children recognize and express their feelings without fear or shame. It is about schools that teach equality and consent not as theoretical concepts, but as everyday attitudes. It is about adults who are role models in their own relationships.

Equally important is to change the way we deal with the first signs of an abusive relationship. There does not have to be physical violence to be concerned. Constant belittling, controlling, manipulating, isolating from friends and family, threats, or bullying are not “communication problems.” They are behaviors that deserve attention and intervention, because they are often warning signs of a relationship that is becoming increasingly dangerous.

At the same time, we need to stop looking for easy answers. Questions like “why didn’t she leave?” inadvertently shift the burden onto the victim. Perhaps the more appropriate question is: “What was stopping her from leaving?” It may be more useful to ask ourselves why someone feels entitled to control, intimidate, use violence, and ultimately consider the person they are in a relationship with as their property. Changing this perspective is essential if we are to move from blaming to understanding and, ultimately, to prevention.

No society will completely eliminate violence. But it can significantly reduce the chances of it occurring when it invests in human relationships, education, and early recognition of warning signs.

The most important question is not what we do after each femicide. It is what we need to do every day so that we don’t have to talk about the next one.

Thekla Vasiliou

Psychologist (MSc)                                                                                                  

Systemic Family Psychotherapist

President of the Pancyprian Association of Psychotherapy